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what if you started making car alarm noises when people you didn’t like touched you

(via fake-mermaid)

Pregnant woman:oh my god he's kicking!!
Me:*punches her in the stomach* you think it's fucking cool to hit girls you little bitch??


which is messier my life or my hair

(Source: alterlos, via fake-mermaid)

   Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should have gotten more. 
   I’m assuming you’ve got some time, you interrupting bastard.
   I’m telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he’d interrupt you at his own funeral. And he was pretentious: Sweet Jesus Christ, that kid never took a piss without pondering about the abundant metaphorical resonances of human waste production. And he was vain: I do not believe I have ever met a more physically attractive person who was more acutely aware of his own physical attractiveness. 
   But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him

(Source: maliahales, via prince-assss)

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